To summarize my experiences with the different types of computers:

Apple rules!  

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just change the standard to darkness!

"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."          -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95."                -- logical conclusion

Three Reasons to buy Windows  
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

How do you want to crash today?

What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?

One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

Bill Gates died in a car accident.  Arriving at the pearly gates, he
finds  himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send  you to Heaven or Hell.  After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.  I'm going to do something I've never done before.....

I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.

St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine!  Where should I go first?"

"You decide."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.  It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I'd REALLY like to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.

"I  think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

So Bill Gates went to Hell.  Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.  When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates.

His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. "This is the release version."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:

1.  For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2.  Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT."  But then you would have to buy more seats.

6.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on five per cent of the roads.

7.  The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8.  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9.  The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them.  Attempting  to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more.  Moreover, GM  would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

And On The Seventh Day?
-----------------------
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the
---One from the Zero; and he saw it was Good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said :
---Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and
--compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks
---and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big...
---And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs
---and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the
---Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes
---and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from
---the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer;
---and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
---And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User -
---Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of
---Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try.
---The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
---You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use.
---And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer
---that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him -
---What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered:
---" I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS".
---And God said :" Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the Programmer
---said :" It was Bill who told us to !"
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures.
---And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint
---you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs;
---and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the
User you will never be happy.
---All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them
and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the
door and secured it with a
---password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

For all those German speaking, Microsoft non-lovers

> Thema: Es gibt noch viel zu verbessern!
>
>  Bei einer Computermesse hat Bill Gates die Computerindustrie mit der
> Autoindustrie verglichen und das folgende Statement gemacht:
> "Wenn General Motors mit der Technologie so mitgehalten haette wie die
> Computerindustrie, dann wuerden wir heute alle 25-Dollar-Autos fahren,
> die 1000 Meilen pro Gallone Sprit fahren wuerden"!
>
> Als Antwort darauf veroeffentlichte GM eine Presseerklaerung mit
> folgendem Inhalt:

> Wenn GM eine Technologie wie Microsoft entwickelt haette, dann wuerden
> wir heute alle Autos mit folgenden Eigenschaften fahren:

> 1. Ihr Auto wuerde ohne erkennbaren Grund zweimal am Tag einen Unfall
> haben.
> 2. Jedesmal, wenn die Linien auf der Strasse neu gezeichnet werden,
> muesste man ein neues Auto kaufen.
> 3. Gelegentlich wuerde ein Auto ohne erkennbaren Grund auf der
> Autobahn einfach ausgehen und man wuerde es einfach  akzeptieren, neu
> starten und weiterfahren.
> 4. Wenn man bestimmte Manoever durchfährt, wie z.B. eine Linkskurve,
> wuerde das Auto einfach ausgehen und sich weigern, neu zu starten. Man
> muesste dann den Motor neu installieren.
> 5. Man kann nur alleine in dem Auto sitzen, es sei denn, man kauft
> "car95" oder "CarNt". Aber dann muesste man jeden Sitz einzeln
> bezahlen.
> 6. Apple wuerde Autos herstellen, die mit Sonnenenergie fahren,
> zuverlaessig laufen, fuenfmal so schnell und zweimal so leicht zu
> fahren sind, aber sie laufen nur auf fuenf Prozent der Strassen.
> 7. Die Benzinwarnlampe, die Warnlampe fuer Temperatur und Batterie
> wuerden durcheine "Genereller Autofehler"-Warnlampe ersetzt.
> 8. Neue Sitze wuerden erfordern, dass alle die selbe Gesaess-Groesse
> haben.
> 9. Das Airbag-System wuerde fragen "Sind Sie sicher?" bervor es
> ausloest.
> 10. Gelegentlich wuerde das Auto Sie ohne jeden Grund aussperren. Sie
> koennten nur wieder durch einen Trick wieder aufschliessen, und zwar
> muessten man gleichzeitig den Türgriff ziehen, den Schluessel drehen
> und mit einer Hand an die Radioantenne fassen.
> 11.GM wuerde Sie zwingen, mit jedem Auto einen Deluxe Kartensatz der
> Firma Rand McNally (seit neustem eine GM Tochter) mit zu kaufen, auch
> wenn Sie diesen Kartensatz nicht brauchen oder moechten. Wenn Sie
> diese Option nicht wahrnehmen, wuerde das Auto sofort 50% langsamer
> laufen (oder schlimmer). Darueber hinaus wurde GM deswegen ein Ziel
> von Untersuchungen der Justiz.
> 12. Immer dann, wenn ein neues Auto von GM vorgestellt wuerde,
> muessten alle Autofahrer das Autofahren neu lernen, weil kein
> Bedienhebel genau so funktionieren wuerde, wie in den alten Autos.
> 13. Man muesste den "Start"-Knopf druecken, um den Motor
> auszuschalten.

Uhm, well, that's it. More Apple info? Go to the Apple home page.